Wouldn't it be great if people would just do what we ask them to do? Whether it's our boss, our co-workers, subordinates or family members, it’s often challenging to achieve our desired results when we have to work through other people. Even when we directly supervise others, success isn’t achieved just by telling people what to do.

However, there is one powerful leadership skill that can help you get support from others to bring your great ideas into existence.

It’s called influence.

Influence is the art of making your case compelling from the other person’s perspective.

But isn’t that just manipulation, you ask? Great question! I’ve had lots of clients wonder about the difference between influence and manipulation. In fact, I recently had a great discussion on this topic in a leadership program I was teaching.

We’ll come back to that. First, let’s start by exploring my definition of influence:

Getting others to act on your ideas for reasons they are comfortable with and that connects to a mutual set of values or goals.

It’s not about strong-arming or conning them into supporting your idea.

It’s also not about giving up your own goals or values in order to get the other person to buy in.

Neither of those approaches will produce the best long-term outcome. The magic happens when you’re able to find common ground between your values and interests and those of the other person.

In order to do this, you need to hone your ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, even if their views are different than yours. That alone can be challenging. We often struggle to fully enter the perspective of someone with beliefs very different from ours. Not only do we struggle, we judge. And that can make it difficult to find common ground.

In today’s polarized world, being able to enter the perspective of someone else is both in short supply and even more essential than ever.

It’s easy to see how this plays out when we’re reading the news. But it also can affect our everyday interactions. For example, I had a coaching client who wanted to be a more persuasive communicator. He wanted people to listen to him and act on his ideas. Ironically, his passionate advocacy was having the opposite effect. Why? Because he wasn’t making the effort to fully enter into the perspective of the people he was trying to convince. He was judging their views as inferior to his own. Only when he started becoming curious and open did he begin to influence others.

Once you’ve put yourself in the other’s shoes, see if you can discern their values and interests. How do you do that? By listening to what gets them excited, angry or frustrated. By reflecting on the meaning they make of their biggest successes and failures. By paying attention to how they prioritize their time and attention.

Of course, you’ll never know for sure. But once you have a good idea, do the same thing for yourself: What really gets you going? What are you most proud of? How do you prioritize your time and attention? These are the kinds of questions that help you get clear on your own values and interests. Then you can make a case that reflects areas of common ground.

What if you simply can’t identify areas of common ground? It might be more effective to find someone else to influence.

Finally, no matter how passionate you are about your ideas, it's always helpful to be prepared to change some of your views: Influence is a two-way street.

Now that we’ve looked at how to have influence, let’s return to the difference between influence and manipulation. During our recent discussion on this topic, two main differences emerged. First, are you being up front about your intent to influence the other person? Second, are you looking to build on the values and interests of the other person rather than exploit them?

How would you describe the difference between influence and manipulation? Post your thoughts in the Comments section below. And if you’d like to read more on this topic, here’s an excellent article to get started.

P.S. If you liked this post, you might be interested in my online leadership development program, Grow to Lead. It addresses leadership challenges such as these and provides actionable tips and tools to take your leadership to the next level. Click here if you’d like to get on my mailing list to receive more information. We’re launching again in October 2022.