“All hell is breaking loose around here again,” Daniel stated flatly.
“What is?” I asked.
“ Covid is back and my team is telling me they just can’t go through this again. What do I say to them? I can’t reassure them that everything is going to be all right. Yet I can’t just join in and add my own concerns to the mix. Everyone is burned out and anxious about what could happen. How do I help them prepare for what they may have to deal with?
I truly didn’t know what to say. It was my second coaching session in a row where someone opened up about a situation that was generating difficult emotions. I didn’t have an easy answer. Well, I could have come up with something but I’m afraid it would’ve come off as superficial and canned.
But what to do instead?
I’m finding myself serving as a witness to more and more conversations laced with hard-to-handle emotions. Sadness, shame, anger, frustration, loss, fear. Uncomfortable to stay in the space but unproductive to move on too quickly. I’ve certainly had my share of times like that, too. The temptation is to do what a friend calls “darting”: latch onto an idea or activity that provides relief in the moment but is really just a quick fix to avoid what’s really going on. Shopping, cleaning, eating, exercising… activities that can serve our well-being but which can also be distractions from something important that’s trying to get our full attention.
How to hold the space for whatever needs to show up, and stay with it long enough to discover what makes it worthwhile?
Here are some things that seem to help in supporting someone experiencing difficult emotions:
• Be comfortable with difficult emotions yourself.
• Be okay with silence.
• Ask the other person what you can offer that would be helpful.
• Let the other person talk without interrupting.
• Resist the temptation to utter a platitude or a solution too readily.
• Demonstrate that you’re listening by paraphrasing what that person is saying (this one can backfire if what you’re saying isn’t resonating with the person. The purpose is for them to feel truly heard and understood.)
• Lighten up the situation with humor (again, be really sensitive to the timing and the other person’s personality.)
You might be thinking, “Seriously? I’m supposed to take the time for everyone who’s anxious to work through their issue? I don’t have time for this, I’ve got a job to do!”
Sure, that’s one perspective and a legitimate one at that. Babysitting and hand holding are not what most of us signed up for (except maybe at home.) But I will make the case that paying a little more attention to helping people work through difficult emotions is going to result in better work performance, strengthen your relationship with that person, and increase your own capability to stay with your own difficult emotions. Why not try some of my suggestions the next time someone shows up in distress? You don’t have much to lose and you could learn something valuable. We could all certainly use a bit more support to navigate the challenges we face.
For more valuable guidance on this important skill, check out these resources:
• Joan Rosenberg. Here’s a sample.
• Pema Chodron. Again, here’s a sample.
• Byron Katie, The Work
• The humorous and wise video, “It’s Not About the Nail.”