As I’m writing this, it’s my husband’s last day of work before his retirement. It’s also the day before his 70th birthday. The past few weeks have included signing up for Medicare, applying for Social Security benefits, and fitting in medical appointments that may not be covered after his health insurance ends. And that doesn’t even include being on the verge of starting construction on our house.
One of my colleagues, Jean Ogilvie, reached out to me recently in response to something I wrote about feeling unsettled with all the change and uncertainty going on in our lives.
She wrote, “I was interested in your comments about life changes as I have been re-reading Margaret Wheatley’s 1992 book ‘Leadership and the New Science’. On p.18 she refers to the work of Eric Jantsch on ‘autopoiesis’ - the ‘characteristic of living systems to continuously renew themselves and to regulate this process in such a way that the integrity of their structure is maintained.’ She talks about the ongoing evolution of living systems that are constantly changing in response to internal and external events - constantly seeking self-renewal. It is actually the processes of ongoing change and adaptation that strengthen us, supporting growth and coherence, individuality and community. As a living system, we are always evolving into higher levels of complexity.”
Wow! There’s so much packed into that one paragraph that I had to break it down and reflect on how it could be relevant to my current state.
First, it caused me to check in with my most frequently held belief about the changes we’re currently experiencing and, to be honest, about most kind of change. It’s something like “this is heading toward degradation and loss.” See, I’m not someone who easily embraces change and especially not change that I didn’t initiate. Given all the practice I’ve had with major life changes, you’d think I would be more comfortable with it. But not so much.
And, if I equate change with loss and degradation rather than with adaptation and evolution, then no wonder I’m not embracing this with open arms!
What if I was able to shift my belief just slightly? Rather than equating change with loss, perhaps I could adopt the belief that change equals uncertainty? That is true, slightly more neutral, and creates an opening for constructive action.
The next thing that stood out was the definition of autopoiesis: ‘the characteristic of living systems to continuously renew themselves and to regulate this process in such a way that the integrity of their structure is maintained.’
Especially interesting is the notion of having mechanisms to regulate the renewal process to maintain the integrity of their structure. What immediately came to mind is that if I think of our marriage as the “structure” then some of the mechanisms to regulate that structure might be qualities like curiosity, openness, communication, connection and patience.
That led to some concrete actions I want to take:
Talk to my husband about how to use this transition to strengthen our marriage by creating agreements about ways of interacting as we move through this important set of life changes.
Practice curiosity, openness, communication, connection and patience myself. It’s always important to start with what I can influence.
Now that I’ve come to understand that this is an important and rich time for reflection and learning, I’ve also started reading an insightful and illuminating book called Transitions: Making Sense of Life Changes. It’s helped me better understand how and why I typically react to change. For example, the authors distinguish between “change” and transition. They write: “change is situational. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It is not those events but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes in your life.”
That statement helped clarify that a large part of my sense of feeling unsettled has to do with that inner reorientation I’m experiencing as a result of the changes that are happening. That will be a good reminder to look inward rather than outward when I want to shift something in my life.
If you’re still reading this very personal reflection, I suspect you might be going through your own life transitions and would appreciate some useful ways to make meaning of these. If so, the exercise below from the book Transitions is a helpful tool to get started, whether your transitions are joyful and anticipated or sudden and undesired:
“During transition endings come first. Loss is the first act of a process, not the last act of a situation. Even good changes begin with a loss. You begin transition when you identify what you are losing.
Identify one transition in your life right now and observe where you are in the process.
• Clearly define what is ending.
• Sort out what parts or aspects you will keep and what you will leave behind.
• What do you need to unlearn?
• Was this an identity or self-perception? Have you defined yourself in a way that no longer fits?
You may have a child leaving home, a work change, an illness, or the end of a relationship. We also go through transition during positive events, such as getting married, having a baby, starting a new job, and moving to a new home. Even in these good changes, transitions begin with endings, where you have to let go of something.”
I hope this piece has inspired a deeper reflection as you continue to move through the transitions in your life. Please share your thoughts in the Comments. We can all learn from one another.